Longing

Stained glass in my dining room window.

As you know, I have been longing for so long to be at home where I need and want to be, instead of at an office where I need to be in order to earn money to pay for my home.  There are two types of need at play here.  One for my soul and one for my physical needs.  I hear some people, both men and women, say they would go stir-crazy at home, and that they do not look forward to retirement at all. Work is their Identity, who they are.  Not so with me.  My Identity lies at home and home is my Comfort Zone.  

And even though, by and large, I am a solitary soul, I also long to be around people of my own ilk some of the time.  It is so nice when you find your Tribe, and can enjoy feeling like you are understood and belong.  I suppose some people feel they belong no matter where they go or what they do.  Or, maybe those are people who don't really have a Tribe or just want to be welcomed into all the Tribes merely as a guest, and not as a full fledged member, never having to commit or really participate emotionally.  But, belonging to a Tribe does not have to stereotype you.

I belong to the Tribe that loves to laugh, think positively and for myself. My Tribe likes to share, create, support each other, and live life to the fullest.  My Tribe is friendly towards the Earth and all its Creatures and Wonders.  We are not all alike within the Tribe.  We do not all think exactly alike, look alike, or have the same hopes and dreams.  But, we do accept each other for who we are, no questions asked.  

Within my Tribe, I belong to the All Things Fiber Clan.  We are a happy and busy bunch!  Our fingers are nimble and there is almost always some sort of fluff covering the surfaces of our homes. At the end of this month, I will be visiting with one branch of my Clan at the next Chix Packin Stix Winter Retreat!  Whoop! Whoop!

I have come to realize and accept that Longing and Impatience are part of my Existence almost constantly.  Over my lifetime I have had an ongoing battle with Patience, with a longing for this or that to be achieved, acquired, or visited. In a sense, Impatience is a huge part of Longing, and Longing is a huge part of Hope. And who can say that Hope is not a good thing?  This is what I tell my Self, any way, to calm it down at times.  It usually works ... when I remember to do it.

And then there is the fact that some of what we long for is beyond our control.  For instance, a grandchild or two in this lifetime, or winning the Lottery (you have to buy a ticket first!).  Or even hearing the words "I love you!" or receiving a hug.  But, there is always Hope.

From my 1997 trip to County Kerry in Ireland.

Below are the reflections of Irish Catholic priest, mystic and poet, John O'Donohue (1956-2008), from his book To Bless the Space Between Us.  There is such Beauty in his words.

For Longing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here 
And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire 
That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease

To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.

May the forms of your belonging -- in love, creativity, and friendship ---

Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

A sunset over HeartSong Farm

My mother recently passed away quietly in the wonderful nursing facility that was part of the retirement community where she spent the last 13 years of her life. She had age-related dementia and fifty years of glaucoma had finally robbed her of her eyesight.  She was being taken care of by a very attentive, caring staff.  She was the last of her family's generation, surviving even her two younger brothers by a number of years.  HeartSong Farm was just 30  minutes away.

For the last several years, she no longer knew who I was, or even what a daughter was, anymore.  She spent most of the last three years sleeping or fretting. When I called to talk to her, she would tell me that she had nothing to do, that she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing, and that she didn't think she would go to lunch because she had not been doing anything.  When I visited with her in person, it was always the same conversation.

She longed for something to do.  She longed to be able to see again. Reading was her favorite pastime, and she longed to be reading.  She was almost 94 years old, and still she longed for something.  Longing is part of being human, I think.

She grew up in a structured environment with no give and take, and this made her very rigid in her life here on Earth. It formed her into a very negative type of person, and it caused her to think that she did not deserve to be happy, even at the end of her days. She did her best to continue that Tradition with me, and I bought into it for quite a while. Throughout my life she often said to me: "Do you really think that you deserve to do that (have that, wear that, be that, etc.)???" And: "You are just too happy."

I found it interesting that, even at her age, after all the years, she could not relax and go with the flow....let herself be taken care of, eat dessert first, ask someone for help when she was in pain or needed help getting from one place to the next or to sew on a button for her.  She would not even let herself enjoy listening to a book being read to her, whether in person or on audiotapes.  

I have spent the better part of my 65 years longing to hear the words "I love you" from her.  I have also longed to be hugged, tight and comfortingly, by her.  I remember distinctly the one hug I did receive from her, quickly given and as abruptly ended.  I do not remember at all what prompted it, just the glorious feeling of this rare demonstration from her.  I do remember that she was wearing a red shirtwaist dress with a pattern of white sailboats.  I was eleven years old.

A hot air balloon that took off near our home in Illinois (1986).

Now that she has passed on, I have to say that I feel free.  I know that she is in a better place, where she can once again see and read.  I hope that she can allow herself to be happy at last, and that there are lots and lots of books that she can spend time reading.  Now that I can view our two intertwined lives from a distance, I long to discover the ways in which we were actually alike, instead of reliving over and over again just how very different we were in our outlooks on life, the world, and how to do things.

Longing can often be bittersweet.  We don't always get what we long for, no matter how long we wait.  I am reminded of the phrases:  "In God's own time" and "God's will be done."  And lines in a Garth Brooks' song:  "Thank God for unanswered prayers."  And yes, "Life is (a lot) like a box of chocolates!"

I feel the bitter sweetness of longing strongest in Autumn, most likely because of the winding down and the shortening of the days of the year. In the fall, we begin to want comforting foods, the comforting smells of candles and fireplaces, and we look toward our hibernation during the winter months that are not too far distant.  It reminds us that our life here on Earth does not last for ever.  Hopefully, it reminds us each year to look towards the Future with Hope, and to be Grateful for the Past and all our many Blessings.

"I realise there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter,
how they're experts at letting things go." - Jeffrey McDaniel

I am spending time these days teaching myself to relax and go with the flow.  Actually, I have been working on this for several years and have gotten quite good at it.  Not perfect, mind you!  I still have my moments, but I can do it if I remind myself that it is okay to be idle now and then.  It gives the body, mind and soul a chance to regroup and refresh.  It relieves an abundance of stress, and we all know that these are stressful times we live in.

So ..... beginning now, in 2015 ..... go out and find your Tribe and Clan if you haven't already done so.  And hug your children, tell them you love them as often as possible.  And do the same with everyone that is dear to you.  Let them know how you feel about them as often as possible.  AND, occasionally, let yourself eat dessert first!  It is especially fun when you are ordering at a restaurant.  The reaction of your waiter or waitress can be very interesting!

And yes, we do deserve it!

Looking forward to the Future while trying not to look back too much here at HeartSong Farm.