Wishes

Sometimes the things you wish for don't come true. "It just wasn't meant to be," you say, philosophically. You feel sad and disappointed.  But .... maybe you didn't wish for it correctly.  Have you ever thought about it that way?  It is said that our prayers are answered in God's own time.  What are prayers but wishes? Surely they are the same thing?  Think about it.  So maybe, just maybe our wishes are answered in God's own time, also.  In that light, I think that many times when we wish for something to happen that we really desire, we simply do not wait long enough for the wish to be granted or we don't recognize the way in which it was granted.

Young female llamas at HeartSong Farm

I believe that not only do we not wait long enough, we don't always see the answer because it is right there in front of us.  Like not being able to see the forest for the trees.  The Universe, God, Great Spirit, The Source, The Mother (or whoever or whatever you believe is "in charge") knows what is best for us and sometimes what is best for us is to not have our wish granted...or at least not in our own time.  Later, we will probably realize that it was a good thing that our wish was not granted for one reason or another.  It simply was not a good idea in the first place, or it was a good idea but the timing was not the best it could or should have been.

Maybe, just maybe, we have silently wished for that wish to not come true without even knowing it, and that wish is the one that is granted.  Remember the song by Garth Brooks thanking God for unanswered prayers?


So here I am this weekend rethinking my wish that Texanna, my last llama mama, would have a cria, the final one born here on HeartSong Farm.  I really don't need another cria, especially if it turns out to be a female. My goal here now is to have only male llamas in my pastures for simplicity's sake.  Three years ago I changed my whole premise for my farm.  I would no longer be breeding llamas, no longer be trying to sell llamas, no longer be actively promoting llamas or participating in the llama community.  It was a very difficult but necessary change to make.  Llamas have brought me such joy, peace and sense of pride in being able to feed, doctor, train and selectively breed them, not to mention some really nice fiber for spinning.

But with the economy such as it was and continues to be, I was struggling with being able to feed my herd of 20 and I wasn't selling as many as I had dreamed of being able to sell nor was I able to get the fleeces processed in enough quantity by my own hands while working a full time job that just barely paid the bills. My marketing attempts were costly and produced few, if any, sales and I was beginning to realize that I needed to move on....to the next stage of my life, to dream a new dream for my upcoming retirement.

Texanna, wild and wooly

And so I gave away all my females except Texanna.  She remained with me simply because she is wild and extremely wary....simply put, she is literally uncatchable.  She is 15 years old now, and hers was the first birth I was privileged to witness. She will live here with me until her life ends, and I will enjoy seeing her wildness in my back pasture until then.  She is a beautiful sight to see standing on the highest point of her pasture, and there is something about her wildness that touches a chord in me.  At one time I wished that I could find a home for her with the other females. Now I am glad that wish did not come true!

Jagger at one hour old

One wish that did come true for me was for Texanna and Smokin' Jaguar to produce a spotted male cria together.  Texanna had previously birthed females with Smokin', all gorgeously covered in spots. Smokin' had sired a dozen or so spotted females, but there had been no spots as of yet on any of his many sons.  He was getting up in age and I knew that time was running out on my hope, so I wished and I prayed.  And in March of 2012 that wish came true with the birth of Jaguar Moon (Jagger).

Jagger at 18 months

I was so thrilled, and then I thought .... just one more cria, ... maybe another spotted male, just one more! Sort of like just one more bite, one more cookie, one more of  "whatever", that more times than not is something you neither need nor should have if truth be told.And so here I am, a year later driving myself a bit crazy wondering if that wish will come true or not. This weekend there continues to be a lot of tail swishing, rolling, salt block licking, and kushing, but it may just all be my wishful thinking .... for just one more cria, one more new life in the pasture to marvel at one more time.  To feel once more that sense of joy and magic of new life.


But it may not be what I need for me to move on with the farm and my new goals.  Goals that also include new life, but new life in different forms, not llamas.